Not so scary movie review of a scary movie (for Chloester)

So I told my bestie that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL REVIEW, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.

Here's THE FOURTH KIND (2009)
IMDb
Fast Facts:
Director: Olatunde Osunsanmi 
Writers: Olatunde Osunsanmi and Terry Robbins
MPAA: PG13
My rating: R, its kinda disturbing, but I guess the lack of gore makes it PG13
Budget vs Gross: $10 mill // $25 mill, not bad!
Universal Pictures
Slugline (or what I can find of one):

There are four kinds of alien encounters, 
the fourth kind is abduction

Alright, so it's based in this town called Nome, Alaska. Kind of a weird name, right? There are a bunch of missing peeps, and weird events, blah, blah, blah. The main character is a doctor of psychology, and her husband was murdered and/or committed suicide (it's not very clear, but he probs blew his brains out because she was a crazy nut job and couldn't take it anymore). Also she only has one hair style, but that's irrelevant. Just kind of bugged me. By the way, she has two kids, and one is blind from the stress of her dad dying (total faker!). 

Anyway, she is doing all these therapy sessions and everyone keeps seeing an owl outside their bedroom window. All of her patients have insomnia, and anxiety and other stuff that crazy people have. They all say the same thing, and they all say it was weird, obviously, because who the fuck sees an owl outside every night just watching them sleep? Come on, thats obviously an alien. The film keeps going back and forth between a double screen of "actual footage", to make it all the more "real". That was a cool film technique I thought, but didn't really add too much to the story. 

So the doc is like, all these owl sightings are super weird, maybe I should put one of my patients under hypnosis to get more info. So she hypnotizes this guy named Bill or Tom, I can't remember, and he goes crazy and losses his marbles. He kicks over shit and runs around her office screaming, and then leaves because the owl got into his house or something. Then Bill/Tom kills his family because the owl is too scary for him (wimp). And the doc is like WTF is going on? And starts crying. She cries a lot in the movie, its super annoying.

At this point I was thinking, hmmm, maybe don't put anyone under hypnosis ever again and we can go on with our lives. But of course this dumb bitch decides to continue her work because "her husband would of wanted her to". But he's dead, so he would never know...

Alright so, another patient of hers comes into the doc's office and asks her to hypnotize him. She's super hesitant because the police chief warned her that if she did that again she would be arrested. But she's like f*** the police I'm gonna do it anyway! So she puts this guy under, and he says the same thing about the owl that Bill/Tom said, which is now very clearly an alien that can shape shift into a cute little owl. It like possesses his brain and makes him do the Macarena every night, and he's pissed about it. 

The doc tells him to not tell the po-po, and the patient leaves. Then the dumb receptionist gives the doc a tape recorder and is all, there is another voice on here that isn't yours doc! And shuffles out of the room crying (she's a lil overweight and a huge scardy cat). 

So the doc listens to the tape and there's a voice on there in some ancient language, so she gets a professional to decipher it, and he's like, I can only make out some words, and it's basically saying "I am God" and will "take over the world and destroy you" or some crap like that. Its all fuzzy and hard to hear. Also it's mainly vowel sounds, so it kind of sounds like a Creed song. 

So now the doc is like really freaked out because the recording is of her being abducted, and she is like WTF when was I abducted? Honestly, at this point, I'm like if you can't remember anything, maybe that's a good thing? 

Then the second patient who got hypnotized from her calls and is like I'm a huge frady-cat and can't get out of bed because of that damn owl. So she goes over to his house and hypnotizes him again (you would think she would of learned that by now this is a bad idea, but that dumb hairdo is probs making her forget shit). So she puts him under and he levitates and gets paralyzed or something, and the police chief is like alright lady you are under house arrest. No more funny psycho mumbo-jumbo! She's like alright fine. 

Then that night her blind daughter is abducted and the doc freaks out, like is crying waaaay too much and shit. Her son is taken away because lets face it, this doc is crazy. And now she decides to "go under hypnosis" to contact the aliens and beg for her daughter back (who is still blind, and they probs could fix that so I would be okay with them taking her). Obviously she doesn't get her daughter back because even they recognize a crazy mom when they see one. 

Then she goes crazy and lives in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. Her son never talks to her either, so that probs was a good choice on his part. How he turned out normal after living with her is mind-blowing. 

The End!