The Not-So-Scary Alternative of The Conjuring

So I told my BFF that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL PLOT SUMMARY, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.


Let's get started!

Here's The Conjuring (2013)

First off, on a scale of 1 to The Exorcist, it's right up there with Mama. Heebie Jeebie level: strong 7. I could sleep afterwards, but I definitely had a hard time in the morning since it was still dark in my house. My cat scared the shit outta me too in the shower when she decided to run through the curtain.

FAST FACTS

Director: James Wan

Writers: Chad Hayes, Carey Hayes, others

MPAA: R

My rating: R is pretty accurate. There is some gore, but it's not overly done. The scares are genuine for the most part, even though they are predictable. It's like you know it's coming but it's still scary. Also, the dead witch is pretty scary in a good way, like you don't think about how fake her makeup looks. 

Genre: Horror

Budget vs Gross: $20,000,000 (estimated) // $137,387,272 (USA) (25 October 2013)

Opening Weekend:

$41,855,326 (USA) (19 July 2013)


Studio:  New Line Cinema, The Safran Company, Evergreen Media Group (more listed, just top 3)

Slugline: I can't find one :/, but here's mine:

Don't Move Into Haunted Houses (bc duh)

Okay, let's get this party started!

The movie starts off with two nurses talking about this possessed doll, Annabelle (which is the sequel to The Conjuring, conveniently). Basically, they tell this terminally sick girl to possess the doll when she dies. Then the nurses totally forget they told this girl to do that, and when the doll starts turning "alive", they freak out (re: not smart nurses).

They also forget to pay the electric bill.

So they get home one night and notice Annabelle chillin in the hallway with a note:

Is that note shaped like Montana a lil bit or is it just me??

And they find out that she colored all over her walls with red crayon and wrote "miss me" on the ceiling too (really rubbin it in, aren't ya Annabelle?). This is why it's important to teach your kids not to draw on walls!

The nurses are all like WTF did you do, now we'll never get our rent deposit back! And they promptly give her a time out in the dumpster outside.

Later that night a loud banging is coming from the front door, so stupid nurse #1 decides she has to open it. First of all, NEVER OPEN A DOOR WHEN IT'S BEING BANGED ON.

#truth

She opens it anyway, and finds a note in red crayon that says "miss me". She's like how the FUCK did this get here?! Earth to idiot nurses: Annabelle left it.

No this note definitely looks more like Montana.

Then another loud banging sesh starts up, this time it's from inside the house. So stupid nurse #2 opens that door and finds, obviously, the very ugly Annabelle doll chillin.

So damn ugly

Conclusions thus far:
1. Annabelle hates timeouts
2. These nurses are really really really stupid
3. The girl's spirit is super pissed that she's stuck in such an ugly doll for all eternity (I can't blame her, I would be too).

The opening credits start and we see a family drive up towards an old house in the middle of the woods.

I mean, besides that noose it's a really nice looking house. Could use a fresh coat of paint though. 

Everyone piles out of the car and race to their rooms, but their dog Sadie refuses to come inside (because the dog happens to be the smartest family member).

Dog: "You guys, this place is crazy haunted, fak going inside."

So the dad's all like, screw you, and leaves her outside.

The family is made up of 5 girls, and you can tell the mom (Carolyn) hates her life:

This place is crazy rural, I miss my book club.

So all the basic stuff happens, like doors slamming, weird bruises, and most of the kids seeing demon witches or whatever. You know, the usual signs that a house is haunted. 

Jump to: the Warrens, aka a weird couple that chases ghosts and debunks stuff or whatever. 

#paranormalpowercouple 

They give lectures about paranormal activity, and Carolyn attends one and promptly chases the Warrens down in the parking lot afterwards to try to get them to help her with her haunted house. 

Pointing makes people with fake professions look more important.

Please help me get a tan, please.

So the Warrens are like fak yeah we loooooove ghosts, we'll follow you to your creepy house out in the middle of nowheresville! 

The Warrens get there, and they tour the house. As expected Lady Warren sees dead people a la 6th Sense.

And then she goes outside for air or something, and realizes that her outfit looks terrible. 

Lady Warren: Why did I pick this ugly ass outfit?! Damn you ruffles!

Mr. Warren: What, I like the ruffles, kind of.

LW: You do? Well, at lease I look better than that dead beezy's pedicure. 

There is a secret basement found by the five girls horsin' around one night, knocking shit over (kids are terrible). So they use matches to look into it. Obviously it's haunted, and probs shouldn't be explored. But you know, plot and such. 

Use a flashlight, come on! She's getting a round of applause BTDubs by ghost hands, which is really thoughtful. 

And they all have a brainstorming sesh about what to do. Very curious why no on suggests just moving out!! (They might of mentioned this, but I got bored and fast forwarded through this pow-wow). 

Yeah, LW, your ruffles look terrible. Did you get dressed in the dark or something?

So they put all these bells on door knobs to see if any ghosts (or cats) play with them. And they put cameras all around to take pictures when shit goes down. 

Mr. Warren: "Interview with ghosts while wearing ugly argyle sweaters, take one". 

Again, super predictable scary movie stuff. So they are all like, yup, it's a haunted house alright! And decide to do an exorcism on the house itself (???WTF does that mean?!). 

They move into the house with their lame Teacher's Aide and a skeptic cop, because I think authorities could arrest ghosts in the 70s. Otherwise there is absolutely no reason to have a cop there...

He makes zero impact on the film, unless having killer sideburns is required in exorcisms.

Lady Warren decided to do her laundry while staying at the Haunted Mansion. 

It's the mailman, he's trying to give her that annoying Costco coupon mailer that no one uses ever. 

Back inside, the youngest of the daughters has this toy she's playing with, and of course a ghost friend gave it to her.

She's weird, just get rid of her. You have 4 other girls, that's way too many weddings to fund. 

Lady Warren checks out the toy, and she's all like wtf?...Where did you get this?!

Shit I have really bad crow's feet.

Then she's all like is there something behind me?

Yes, better actors. 

So she finds this hidden place where this and other toys are, and falls all the way to the basement. In real life, this would most likly break someone's legs. But for plot's sake, she's perfectly fine. She sees the dead witch again, and decides to book it outta there. 

Then, we all start to realize that Carolyn is suicidal because of all the bruises and shit. The whole family decides to stay in a hotel (finally), but Carolyn decided to drive back to the house and kill herself along with some of the whinier kids. JK she's possessed! 

I'm not even pushing the gas that's how possessed I am.

The demon in her brain is all like fuck you for leaving!!! And hauls her ass back down to the basement. I think they need to work out a better way to get her down the stairs (Carolyn just tumbles, yet miraculously breaks nothing--are these actors made of steel?!)

I just had my nails done you bitch!

So the rest of the gang figure out Carolyn's plot and try to save her by dressing her up like a giant tampon.

LW: Are we going for Tampax Pearl or Kotex people?! Someone pay attention!

If the tampon reference isn't obvious enough, see below: 

Very realistic actually. My periods also release demons every month.

Then she starts to levitate like a BOSS:

#fuckgravity

Eventually they corral Carolyn and convince the witch that's possessing her to stop doing that. 

Mombo-jumbo, blah blah blah, amen

Apparently all it took was the gentle touch of Lady Warren's hand on her demon face .

Can't stop won't stop singing at the top of my lungs!!

Everyone celebrates! 

Well, without guns

The end!

Not so scary movie review of a scary movie (for Chloester)

So I told my bestie that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL REVIEW, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.

Here's THE FOURTH KIND (2009)
IMDb
Fast Facts:
Director: Olatunde Osunsanmi 
Writers: Olatunde Osunsanmi and Terry Robbins
MPAA: PG13
My rating: R, its kinda disturbing, but I guess the lack of gore makes it PG13
Budget vs Gross: $10 mill // $25 mill, not bad!
Universal Pictures
Slugline (or what I can find of one):

There are four kinds of alien encounters, 
the fourth kind is abduction

Alright, so it's based in this town called Nome, Alaska. Kind of a weird name, right? There are a bunch of missing peeps, and weird events, blah, blah, blah. The main character is a doctor of psychology, and her husband was murdered and/or committed suicide (it's not very clear, but he probs blew his brains out because she was a crazy nut job and couldn't take it anymore). Also she only has one hair style, but that's irrelevant. Just kind of bugged me. By the way, she has two kids, and one is blind from the stress of her dad dying (total faker!). 

Anyway, she is doing all these therapy sessions and everyone keeps seeing an owl outside their bedroom window. All of her patients have insomnia, and anxiety and other stuff that crazy people have. They all say the same thing, and they all say it was weird, obviously, because who the fuck sees an owl outside every night just watching them sleep? Come on, thats obviously an alien. The film keeps going back and forth between a double screen of "actual footage", to make it all the more "real". That was a cool film technique I thought, but didn't really add too much to the story. 

So the doc is like, all these owl sightings are super weird, maybe I should put one of my patients under hypnosis to get more info. So she hypnotizes this guy named Bill or Tom, I can't remember, and he goes crazy and losses his marbles. He kicks over shit and runs around her office screaming, and then leaves because the owl got into his house or something. Then Bill/Tom kills his family because the owl is too scary for him (wimp). And the doc is like WTF is going on? And starts crying. She cries a lot in the movie, its super annoying.

At this point I was thinking, hmmm, maybe don't put anyone under hypnosis ever again and we can go on with our lives. But of course this dumb bitch decides to continue her work because "her husband would of wanted her to". But he's dead, so he would never know...

Alright so, another patient of hers comes into the doc's office and asks her to hypnotize him. She's super hesitant because the police chief warned her that if she did that again she would be arrested. But she's like f*** the police I'm gonna do it anyway! So she puts this guy under, and he says the same thing about the owl that Bill/Tom said, which is now very clearly an alien that can shape shift into a cute little owl. It like possesses his brain and makes him do the Macarena every night, and he's pissed about it. 

The doc tells him to not tell the po-po, and the patient leaves. Then the dumb receptionist gives the doc a tape recorder and is all, there is another voice on here that isn't yours doc! And shuffles out of the room crying (she's a lil overweight and a huge scardy cat). 

So the doc listens to the tape and there's a voice on there in some ancient language, so she gets a professional to decipher it, and he's like, I can only make out some words, and it's basically saying "I am God" and will "take over the world and destroy you" or some crap like that. Its all fuzzy and hard to hear. Also it's mainly vowel sounds, so it kind of sounds like a Creed song. 

So now the doc is like really freaked out because the recording is of her being abducted, and she is like WTF when was I abducted? Honestly, at this point, I'm like if you can't remember anything, maybe that's a good thing? 

Then the second patient who got hypnotized from her calls and is like I'm a huge frady-cat and can't get out of bed because of that damn owl. So she goes over to his house and hypnotizes him again (you would think she would of learned that by now this is a bad idea, but that dumb hairdo is probs making her forget shit). So she puts him under and he levitates and gets paralyzed or something, and the police chief is like alright lady you are under house arrest. No more funny psycho mumbo-jumbo! She's like alright fine. 

Then that night her blind daughter is abducted and the doc freaks out, like is crying waaaay too much and shit. Her son is taken away because lets face it, this doc is crazy. And now she decides to "go under hypnosis" to contact the aliens and beg for her daughter back (who is still blind, and they probs could fix that so I would be okay with them taking her). Obviously she doesn't get her daughter back because even they recognize a crazy mom when they see one. 

Then she goes crazy and lives in a wheel chair for the rest of her life. Her son never talks to her either, so that probs was a good choice on his part. How he turned out normal after living with her is mind-blowing. 

The End!