The Not-So-Scary Alternative of The Conjuring

So I told my BFF that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL PLOT SUMMARY, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.


Let's get started!

Here's The Conjuring (2013)

First off, on a scale of 1 to The Exorcist, it's right up there with Mama. Heebie Jeebie level: strong 7. I could sleep afterwards, but I definitely had a hard time in the morning since it was still dark in my house. My cat scared the shit outta me too in the shower when she decided to run through the curtain.

FAST FACTS

Director: James Wan

Writers: Chad Hayes, Carey Hayes, others

MPAA: R

My rating: R is pretty accurate. There is some gore, but it's not overly done. The scares are genuine for the most part, even though they are predictable. It's like you know it's coming but it's still scary. Also, the dead witch is pretty scary in a good way, like you don't think about how fake her makeup looks. 

Genre: Horror

Budget vs Gross: $20,000,000 (estimated) // $137,387,272 (USA) (25 October 2013)

Opening Weekend:

$41,855,326 (USA) (19 July 2013)


Studio:  New Line Cinema, The Safran Company, Evergreen Media Group (more listed, just top 3)

Slugline: I can't find one :/, but here's mine:

Don't Move Into Haunted Houses (bc duh)

Okay, let's get this party started!

The movie starts off with two nurses talking about this possessed doll, Annabelle (which is the sequel to The Conjuring, conveniently). Basically, they tell this terminally sick girl to possess the doll when she dies. Then the nurses totally forget they told this girl to do that, and when the doll starts turning "alive", they freak out (re: not smart nurses).

They also forget to pay the electric bill.

So they get home one night and notice Annabelle chillin in the hallway with a note:

Is that note shaped like Montana a lil bit or is it just me??

And they find out that she colored all over her walls with red crayon and wrote "miss me" on the ceiling too (really rubbin it in, aren't ya Annabelle?). This is why it's important to teach your kids not to draw on walls!

The nurses are all like WTF did you do, now we'll never get our rent deposit back! And they promptly give her a time out in the dumpster outside.

Later that night a loud banging is coming from the front door, so stupid nurse #1 decides she has to open it. First of all, NEVER OPEN A DOOR WHEN IT'S BEING BANGED ON.

#truth

She opens it anyway, and finds a note in red crayon that says "miss me". She's like how the FUCK did this get here?! Earth to idiot nurses: Annabelle left it.

No this note definitely looks more like Montana.

Then another loud banging sesh starts up, this time it's from inside the house. So stupid nurse #2 opens that door and finds, obviously, the very ugly Annabelle doll chillin.

So damn ugly

Conclusions thus far:
1. Annabelle hates timeouts
2. These nurses are really really really stupid
3. The girl's spirit is super pissed that she's stuck in such an ugly doll for all eternity (I can't blame her, I would be too).

The opening credits start and we see a family drive up towards an old house in the middle of the woods.

I mean, besides that noose it's a really nice looking house. Could use a fresh coat of paint though. 

Everyone piles out of the car and race to their rooms, but their dog Sadie refuses to come inside (because the dog happens to be the smartest family member).

Dog: "You guys, this place is crazy haunted, fak going inside."

So the dad's all like, screw you, and leaves her outside.

The family is made up of 5 girls, and you can tell the mom (Carolyn) hates her life:

This place is crazy rural, I miss my book club.

So all the basic stuff happens, like doors slamming, weird bruises, and most of the kids seeing demon witches or whatever. You know, the usual signs that a house is haunted. 

Jump to: the Warrens, aka a weird couple that chases ghosts and debunks stuff or whatever. 

#paranormalpowercouple 

They give lectures about paranormal activity, and Carolyn attends one and promptly chases the Warrens down in the parking lot afterwards to try to get them to help her with her haunted house. 

Pointing makes people with fake professions look more important.

Please help me get a tan, please.

So the Warrens are like fak yeah we loooooove ghosts, we'll follow you to your creepy house out in the middle of nowheresville! 

The Warrens get there, and they tour the house. As expected Lady Warren sees dead people a la 6th Sense.

And then she goes outside for air or something, and realizes that her outfit looks terrible. 

Lady Warren: Why did I pick this ugly ass outfit?! Damn you ruffles!

Mr. Warren: What, I like the ruffles, kind of.

LW: You do? Well, at lease I look better than that dead beezy's pedicure. 

There is a secret basement found by the five girls horsin' around one night, knocking shit over (kids are terrible). So they use matches to look into it. Obviously it's haunted, and probs shouldn't be explored. But you know, plot and such. 

Use a flashlight, come on! She's getting a round of applause BTDubs by ghost hands, which is really thoughtful. 

And they all have a brainstorming sesh about what to do. Very curious why no on suggests just moving out!! (They might of mentioned this, but I got bored and fast forwarded through this pow-wow). 

Yeah, LW, your ruffles look terrible. Did you get dressed in the dark or something?

So they put all these bells on door knobs to see if any ghosts (or cats) play with them. And they put cameras all around to take pictures when shit goes down. 

Mr. Warren: "Interview with ghosts while wearing ugly argyle sweaters, take one". 

Again, super predictable scary movie stuff. So they are all like, yup, it's a haunted house alright! And decide to do an exorcism on the house itself (???WTF does that mean?!). 

They move into the house with their lame Teacher's Aide and a skeptic cop, because I think authorities could arrest ghosts in the 70s. Otherwise there is absolutely no reason to have a cop there...

He makes zero impact on the film, unless having killer sideburns is required in exorcisms.

Lady Warren decided to do her laundry while staying at the Haunted Mansion. 

It's the mailman, he's trying to give her that annoying Costco coupon mailer that no one uses ever. 

Back inside, the youngest of the daughters has this toy she's playing with, and of course a ghost friend gave it to her.

She's weird, just get rid of her. You have 4 other girls, that's way too many weddings to fund. 

Lady Warren checks out the toy, and she's all like wtf?...Where did you get this?!

Shit I have really bad crow's feet.

Then she's all like is there something behind me?

Yes, better actors. 

So she finds this hidden place where this and other toys are, and falls all the way to the basement. In real life, this would most likly break someone's legs. But for plot's sake, she's perfectly fine. She sees the dead witch again, and decides to book it outta there. 

Then, we all start to realize that Carolyn is suicidal because of all the bruises and shit. The whole family decides to stay in a hotel (finally), but Carolyn decided to drive back to the house and kill herself along with some of the whinier kids. JK she's possessed! 

I'm not even pushing the gas that's how possessed I am.

The demon in her brain is all like fuck you for leaving!!! And hauls her ass back down to the basement. I think they need to work out a better way to get her down the stairs (Carolyn just tumbles, yet miraculously breaks nothing--are these actors made of steel?!)

I just had my nails done you bitch!

So the rest of the gang figure out Carolyn's plot and try to save her by dressing her up like a giant tampon.

LW: Are we going for Tampax Pearl or Kotex people?! Someone pay attention!

If the tampon reference isn't obvious enough, see below: 

Very realistic actually. My periods also release demons every month.

Then she starts to levitate like a BOSS:

#fuckgravity

Eventually they corral Carolyn and convince the witch that's possessing her to stop doing that. 

Mombo-jumbo, blah blah blah, amen

Apparently all it took was the gentle touch of Lady Warren's hand on her demon face .

Can't stop won't stop singing at the top of my lungs!!

Everyone celebrates! 

Well, without guns

The end!

Not So Scary Movie Alternative Plot Summary: Evil Dead (2013 version)

So I told my bestie that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL PLOT SUMMARY, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.

Ok here's Evil Dead (2013)
IMDb

FAST FACTS
Director: Fede Alvarez
Writers: Fede Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Sam Raimi (this guy is dope btdubs)
MPAA: R
My rating: I'm wondering if it shouldn't be an NC-17 rating, its super graphic in gore and the sexual content is horrifying. I mean, the demon enters her body through raping her (while she is tied down) and the C-word is thrown around quite a lot. If anything, it's misogynistic where it doesn't need to be.
Genre: Horror
Budget vs Gross: $17 million // $54.2 million (USA)
Studio: TriStar, Film District, a few more/etc
Slugline: I can't find one, so I guess it's just this:

The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience

Not very inventive or unique, but I do like how they say "experience" rather than "see". Makes it a little bit more personal.

**Since there is a ton of blood in this film, I'm going to replace it with the word Skittles because that is incredibly less gory.**

Alright, so it starts out in the woods, with this chick running away into a foggy cluster of trees. Obviously she gets captured, duh. No one ever makes it out of a thicket of trees, not even Bambi's mom. Wait that might have been a meadow. Whatevs, you get the point. Then she is taken to this basement and tied up. She starts talking in a demonic voice so her dad sets her on fire and shoots her face off. Good parenting in my opinion. So thats the "opener". 

Then whatever time later, a group of five young peeps go to this cabin, two of them are bro and sis who own it. The sis who owns it, Mia, wants to detox off of crack or something, so she dumps it down the well and swears to her peeps that she will kick this habit (we've all heard that before tho). Looks like a huge waste of money to me. It was literally a sandwich bag of crack. Why get all that and then decide to detox? Just flush your money down the toilet then. One of the peeps is a nurse too, btdubs. Not that it saves her, she just has a bunch of meds with her. So they all get together in the cabin and chill out. 

Of course Mia starts having withdrawls and keeps complaining about a smell that only she can smell. Crazy hallucinating beezy! They obviously don't smell it, but then their dog, named Grandpa (hilar!) starts scratching at a rug to reveal a trap door under it. There is a huge Skittles mark leading into it too, so they all go down it to investigate. Really? That's the LAST THING I WOULD DO. I'd be like no fucking way, I'm going home. These people definitely deserve to get possessed if that's the kind of life decisions they make. 

They find a bunch of dead cats and a charred interior. Just looks like a hoarder lit one too many cigarettes if you ask me, but it's supposed to be scary, so just go with it. They find this journal/book wrapped in plastic and barbed wire, and obvi they have to have it. So the nerd-peep gets it and starts doing everything it says not to do. He's not supposed to say the names out loud of the demons in the book, so he does. He's not supposed to even read the book, but he does. Basically he's the dumbest nerd I've ever seen. So the demon is triggered blah blah blah. 

Meanwhile, Mia is walking in circles outside in the pouring rain, scratching her skin and talking to herself. She sucks at detoxing. And don't drug addicts have secret stashes? Why doesn't she just get that and calm the fuck down? But whatever, then she barfs and decided to get the fuck outta this place because she sees a girl in the forest all demon-y and possessed watching her and she thinks she's seeing things. Obviously its that dumb demon that the stupid nerd "triggered" or whatever. Idiot. 

She grabs the car keys and drives the car off into a lake. She sucks at driving, although she had her eyes closed for most of the time, dumb. But she really feeds into the women-are-bad-drivers stereotype, so not cool. Thanks a lot Mia! She swims outta the lake and starts walking through the forest when this swamp-y chick starts chasing her. It's obviously that weirdo she saw earlier in the forest outside her cabin. So she, and I'm not making this part up, starts running WITH HER EYES CLOSED. Are you kidding me? SO DUMB. She obviously trips, starts rolling down this hill, and lands in a thorn bush. Then that demon girl barfs up the demon and it rape-enters Mia. Super graphic. 

So the other peeps are looking for her, and find Mia slouched by a tree, and think oh hey, she's just delusional, lets get her back to the cabin and not believe anything she says. And they don't seem to care that Mia just drove their car in to the lake. Really? That would of pissed me off so much! Mia thinks she's going crazy and takes a shower. But the demon takes over her brain and tries to boil her with hot water but fails because how do you even to that? She just gets some blisters but thats it. Mia's bro saves her and decides to take her to the hospital (finally, right?! geez), but since it's been raining for a million hours straight the roads are flooded. So he's like oh well, lets just go back to the cabin and chill out til the flooding goes down. 

Then Mia takes a shotgun and shoots her bro in the shoulder (which never affects him later on, WTF?) and all the peeps are like, ok, what's wrong with Mia? Like they couldn't tell already that she was possessed! Geniuses I tell ya! And how did she have access to a gun? I guess it was just chilling somewhere but it seemed weird to me. 

So then the nurse-peep goes up to Mia to check her vitals or get the gun or something, and Mia barfs Skittles all over her face. The nurse is like gross Skittles! and pushes her down the trap door. The dumb nerd locks her in there and it's like phew! Done with that! 

Then the nurse goes to get some meds to calm Mia down or tranquilize her or something. Since she has all that demon Skittles barf on her though, she turns into a demon and starts cutting her face up. The nerd checks on her and is like eww! Skittles are all over your face and hands! Then he trips and she attacks him and he bashes her face in and a pool of Skittles is on the floor. 

Then I got on Instagram. Whoops! 

So I guess the nerd is okay, but the other chick, the last one remaining, decided to get Mia from the cellar. Super smart group of peeps here. Obviously demon-Mia attacks her by biting her hand, and the bro has to help this chick out of the cellar (I think that's the bro's girlfriend? I actually have no idea, she's not really in the film that much up until this point). They lock up the trap door with chains and the bro goes to set it on fire, but he chickens out. He's way too attached to his sis. It's weird. So he instead gets Mia from the cellar and decides to bury her alive. I guess the demon book said that was how to get the demon outta her? That might have been said while I was on Instagram, my B. 

Meanwhile, the chick who got attacked in the cellar realizes that her arm is turning into a demon arm, and grabs a meat saw in the kitchen and cuts it off. This blows the cabin fuses for some reason. The bro and nerd find her and are like WTF did you do to your arm?! There are Skittles everywhere. She's like "I feel better now" but we all know she's crazy. Pretty soon she starts attacking them with a nail gun. But then the bro shoots her face off and they are like phew! 

So the bro unburies his sis from the ground, and she is magically not a demon anymore! YAY! (How she was able to breath that whole time is beyond me, but I just went with it again). He's like finally geez you just killed everyone else you dumb bitch. And she's like sorry but you guys didn't believe me that I got raped by a demon, so it's on you. The bro is like okay yeah you're right, lets get the nerd and get the fuck outta herrr. So he goes back into the cabin to get the nerd and tosses Mia the jeep keys--

Wait, I think I am telling this outta order a little. Mia attacks her bro while he's in the cellar getting her out. Then the nerd goes down to help and gets attacked too. Then the nerd gets possessed but we don't know that until the bro goes back into the cabin for him after Mia is demon free. Okay, now we're back on track!

So anyway, the bro sees the demon nerd and is like well shoot, I gotta kill this guy now, so he sets the cabin on fire by shooting the gas cans (why they were there I have no idea) and sets the cabin on fire. Mia is like WTF are you kidding me?! But decides to leave without getting her now crispy bro. She is on her way to the jeep and the buried demon rises outta the ground and trips her. It's raining Skittles btdubs. So she grabs a conveniently located chainsaw and finally gets it started. But the demon smashes the jeep onto her arm, so she has to rip it off to escape (gross!). Then she chain saws the demon in the face and the Skittles rain stops. Then the sun rises and she's the only one alive.

The end!