SLO Tour Guide #1 (Spoiler Alert: It's All About Food)

First of all, I don't know why I haven't done a tour guide of San Luis Obispo yet. Then I remembered that the main form of entertainment here is food. There's so much crap to eat around here, it's overwhelming.

So, here's my first of probably many many many more food tours of SLO and it's surrounding areas/towns. If you are planning a trip here anytime soon, may I suggest this schedule for one of your days here? I promise it will be delicious!

Let's get this (food) party started!

SLO Tour #1

8am - Take yourself to the gym. Yes, I know you're on vacation, but don't think of this as a workout. I like to call this the "pre-calorie burning" part of your day. Do a ton of cardio, really work up that appetite. Then you won't feel as guilty shoveling all that food in your face for the rest of the day.

9:45am - Get coffee at Scout Coffee Co on Garden Street HERE. It's the cutest coffee shop you'll ever see, and you will instantly fall in love with everything and everyone there. Take your coffee togo, you have breakfast plans elsewhere.

10am - Go so Splash Cafe (downtown) and order the Egg Sandwich. Get it on sourdough, hold the onion, and add extra remoulade sauce. (For those of you new to remoulade sauce, think: special sauce that gives you visions of heaven every time you taste it. Kinda like In n Out's special sauce).

11am - Walk around downtown, taking Higuera Street. Just so you sound like a local, it's pronounced high-GAR-a, don't add a weird W sound. "GAR" rhymes with "BEAR". Got it? I swear if you still mispronounce it I will lose it! Jk...kind of...

Places to hit up:
-Sports Forum
-Rocket Fizz
-Lucky Lulus
-Toms Toys
-Bubblegum Alley (it's gross but it's mandatory that you check it out. Hold your breath).
-Mission Plaza (photo-op next to the bear fountain). Peek inside the church, it's beautiful.

12am - Time for lunch! Go to SLO Brew on Garden Street HERE, and get the Cobb Salad or Cheeseburger. Hell, get both, you do you.

After Lunch - Get a Spotted Critter at Cowboy Cookie on Higuera St HERE. It's the best one, I swear. And $1.25 is totally worth it for one cookie, trust me (but get three for even cheaper because you will want more than one!).

2pm-4pm - Go to Edna Valley and tour some wineries (map HERE). Since you're stuffed, you won't get too drunk buzzed. Call a car service to drive everyone so no one has to miss out on the fun. Hit up the following wineries:

-Tolosa Winery
-Edna Valley Vineyard
-Chamisal Vineyards
-Tangent Winery
-Baileyana Winery

Five should be enough variety. Buy any bottles you like, and always ask if they can wave the tasting fee for large parties (6+ I think is the lucky number).

Stumble back to your hotel room, nap a little, and change into something nice. Not crazy fancy, but dress up a little. NO BASEBALL HATS, GUYS.

7pm - Go to Palazzo Giuseppes on Court St HERE. Get a seat outside by a heater if you can. It's fun to people watch plus Court St. is bursting with charm.

(Fun fact: it used to be this really creepy parking lot with an even creepier alleyway. I would always walk around it instead of pass through it when I was a kid. Def sketch).

Some things to order (I've had every single thing on their menu, seriously, you can't go wrong, but I have favorites #duh):

-Always get the bread dip, and never let that bad boy go dry. Ask a buser to continuously refill it (just do it, everyone else does). It's a parmesan cheese-olive oil-balsamic mix that will change your life its so good!!! I dream about it regularly. Get some togo in the express shop next door for $4.50.

-Appetizer: Bruschetta Caprese

-Drinks: Tolosa No Oak Chardonnay and a Margarita (they make them by hand!!)

-Salad: Della Citta

-Pizza: Gorgonzola

-Pasta: Ravioli Di Zucca and Gnocchi Alla Amatriciana and Linguine Vongole (the Risotto Di Pollo is delish but heavy, so only order if you are gonna share)

-Second: Pollo Alla Milanese

I know, its a TON OF FOOD. But hey, remember that workout you did this morning? You already burned off some calories! #score

For dessert, after you let everything settle, get some fro-yo. Any option is great (there are 4 places and soon to be 5). Get something like Euro Tart to clear your palette.


That's it! I hope you had a great tour of SLO's amazing food! I'll have another tour up soon because that's only the tip of the cheeseburger.

xoHM

Quick Cat Eye To The Rescue!

Hiiiii!

This week at work (day job) has been nuts and it's only Tuesday. Deadlines pushed up, quick presentations thrown together, under the gun cut offs...it's been terribly stressful. So, I've been getting ready extra quick in the mornings so I can get a head start on my day at the office. A cat eye hides the fact that I had 5 minutes to put all my makeup on, plus it lasts all day long (yes after the gym too bc I never take my makeup off to workout, whoops). Here's my quick cat eye breakdown since I'm sure a couple of you are also feeling the pressure around this week and might need a quicker makeup routine too. Here's my go-to look:

Makeup you'll need (all mostly within my makeup capsule too, yay!):

-SPF moisturizer HERE (or get it at Costco for way cheap)

-Under eye concealer (optional, use if you have dark circles) HERE

-BB cream HERE (remember how my skin was all weird and peeling?! Only this works)

-Bronzer HERE

-Blush (use the same brush as your bronzer one for quicker application) HERE (no brush link bc mine's super old)

-Eyebrow brush (angled) HERE and eyebrow shadow HERE

-Pale pink eyeshadow (I used BOOTYCALL in my Naked 2 Palette by Urban Decay) HERE, best investment ever!

-Liquid eyeliner (long wear preferred) HERE

-Mascara (also long wear) HERE (ran out of the one from my capsule, and this one was on super sale, so I got it in Carbon Black for about $3 #score)

Here's my face with all this stuff jammed on it (*apologies for the low quality, I had my flash off since I was at my desk at work, and my hair is still a little damp from washing it this morning. I of course didn't do shit to it ha!). 

Close-up! That eyebrow just wants to lift up for some reason.

Chapstick only, but a lip stain would look great with this look.

Works great with goofy faces too! Tested a few out for ya ;)

Tried to get a side-look shot since my uber hooded eye lids get in the way sometimes. #alsobigforehead

And that's it! Really quick if you've been practicing your cat eyes. Seriously, it used to take me forever to get those right, and now it's like I'm on auto pilot when I apply them. They aren't perfect by any means, but I'm happy enough with them now in the first swipe to wear them for the day. Do it everyday for a week and you'll know what I mean, I promise!

Alright, back to the grind.

xoHM

Friday Shit-nanigans

This week has been full of terrible deadlines and frustrating clients, hence the title. I'm over it.

We got this Anthro mag in the mail at work, and so obvi I had to add some of my signature comments and mustaches. When I was a kid, and well into my teen and young adulthood too, I would buy magazines, read them, and then draw all over them. It was so freakin entertaining for me. Literally, all my fashion mags got tagged. I haven't done this in a few years though, so when I saw this in the mail I knew I had to start it up again (re: bored at work). Here are some of my pages (ps: sorry Anthro model for tagging the shit outta yo image, but if it makes you feel better, you totally pull off the pirate eye patch).

See this mag online HERE, (overpriced) cute shit in it! 

My coworkers got into it too!! They added some hilarious stuff!

So if you have some fashion mags laying around, and don't know what to do with them, or if you take a bubble bath and get bored with your Vogue (like I used to do every single weekend in high school), start tagging them. Trust me, it gets really fun and weird and it's the best thing ever. 

Then put your tagged mags out in the open for your roommates/significant others to enjoy!

Happy Friday! #ineedadrink

xoHM

Story 24 // Death By A Broken Heart (Free Verse Poem)

I think it's true that you can die of a broken heart.

To miss someone so much, you could just burst.

Your chest gets tight whenever you think of them,
hoping to see them again in another life/time/place...

You never think this way in the beginning. No one does.

It's as if this love slowly consumes your heart,
all your organs become infested,
love taking over each cell in your body.

Without you even knowing.

Your doctors all think you're fine.
No irregular breathing,
no kidney issues,
no pain, yet...

But soon, you stop sleeping,
stop dreaming, only existing for the day.

No planning is on the horizon anymore.

Fine dining tastes like moosh.
You can't even finish a simple meal,
without feeling the ache.

You think: "I'll see her one day, I'll be back again with her, you'll all see!"

But no one believes you.
They never do (until it happens to them).

This love sickness,
it's the silent killer.

But I'd rather feel the ache than to never have felt it at all.
It's the best way to go, in my opinion.


*This story is dedicated to my grandpa, who passed away last week from a broken heart. Or was it kidney failure...

Two Cents: On College and Cover Letters

There are a few things that I've learned so far in my short lil life that I hope can help a couple peeps out there that are currently going through them.

Seriously! Don't roll your eyes ;)

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was asked to write a post on tips to help college grads who were currently job seeking. I thought I would add to that post with a follow up one today. It's a mean, mean world out there, but by being prepared you can avoid the cold shoulder. So here are some tips I've thrown together to help ya out!

If you're currently in college:

If you're majoring in anything that's not generic, you might want to consider also getting at least a minor in a more well known topic. I'm talking Communications, Math, English, Teaching, Science, History, or anything else you were exposed to during high school. Pick one you already like, or are good at, and just get a little baby degree with it.

For example: I was majoring in Film (thanks to Little Miss Sunshine) and wanted to concentrate on script writing. That's all fine and dandy, but in the real world, most jobs outside the entertainment industry don't give a crap if you studied anything relating to film at all. It's a niche major, so I decided to double up and also get a degree in Communication Studies. This was a general subject that most employers recognize, and I knew I could support myself with a day job just about anywhere while pursuing my film career at the same time. Gotta pay the bills.

The Pros:

-I love writing, so Comm was the best choice for me.
-The rhetorical studies classes helped me with my script writing while getting me a Comm degree, double score.
-I learned a whole ton about interpersonal communication, which helped me throughout college.
-I still use most of what I learned in Comm today, very applicable to daily life.

The Cons:

-It took me an extra year to graduate.
-I had to double up my work load, plus I worked part time, so yeah it was crazy.

-It cost me more money (although I had a state funded grant + scholarships, so it's not like I could use the money on anything but school).
-Some things did fall through the cracks like homework and some social stuff.

It's not all roses or whatever, it's hard work. But this type of degree will save your behind when you graduate and realize no on is hiring in the theatre makeup department and your parents just took you off their family cell phone bill. I bet if you look at your GE credits, you already have a couple in one subject to get you started. Trust me it's worth it!

If you're currently applying for a job:

You need a killer cover letter. It's so vital to have one, almost more important than your resume. Your resume can be plain and simple, but your cover letter needs some pizzazz. Here's what your cover letter should include:

-Open with a greeting, then a strong intro. Mention how excited you are that the job is available, pepper in some of your key skills, and say how honored you would be to join their team/staff.

-Next, list some highlights of your skill-set, or link up to your writing samples, or reel, or whatever. Make this part super easy to skim.

-Emphasize how your skills could benefit a company. Why do they need to pick you over others? Make yourself seem like a commodity.

*-(this one is optional) Add in a brief about me. I do this when I apply for my writing gigs, and it seems to pull in more clients. People love a good mini bio! It depends on what type of job you are applying for, and how comfortable you are about including this part. It's up to you.

-End with the obvious, "attached is my resume", and offer the opportunity to further discuss your skills in person/over the phone.

-Sign off with your name, number, and email address, even though it's on your resume.


Then follow up with a killer interview, using the skills I mentioned over HERE, and you should be set.

Anyone have other tips to add to these categories? Leave them in the comments, help some peeps out!

xoHM

Stuff! I know right?!

Alright, I think I found a foundation/BB creme that doesn't make my skin hate me by the end of the day. I know you sooo were worried! ;)

Would you still read my blog if I smiled like this always? ;)

Seriously though, does anyone else have this problem with super dry skin that peels off? I feel like I deal with it every fall/winter but never learn. Probs should go to a derm but you know, #lazy.

Here's the link to this awesome sauce BB HERE

It's not a new product by any means, just new to my face. 

Plans for le weekend:

Not too eventful, just going to get caught up with my freelancing work. I'm going to look for a few more article jobs to make some extra cash money for the holidays. I think the hubs might have stuff planned, but I can't remember exactly what. Hmmm I should listen more...I know he had a few recipes in mind to cook, and I should maybe make some coffee cake since he sent me literally 5 emails with lists and lists of coffee cake options. Hint much?! Haha so yeah if they turn out I might post the recipe here if you feel like baking too.

Lately I've been daydreaming about opening up my own studio where all I do is write content with a fabulous group of crazy talented writers. It just sounds so perfect to me! So, new goal, I will eventually do this as a career and open up my dream studio. It's gonna happen folks. I'm marking my words here! This is the game plan in steps (bc #listsarefun):

-Continue to find work this year as a freelance content creator/writer.
-Strive to make more money with freelancing than my day job.
-Go part time at my day job, taking freelancing up full time. (I would transition away from admin at my day job and focus solely on the marketing aspect).
-Rent out a space that's not my house (super important to me to remove work from my home).
-Hire some aspiring writers so I can take on more clients.

It's so important to set goals for yourself, even if the deadlines vary, or things get delayed. I know planning never goes as, well, planned, but it's still so important to your mental health to have that goal in your mind that you are working towards. Remember that if you ever get overwhelmed or frustrated, sad or afraid, ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this the worst thing that has ever happened to me?

2. If NO, then you know you've made it through worse, and you'll be fine. If YES, then you know that by handling this situation, all other bad ones will pale in comparison, and eventually you will be fine. 

Think of it as a challenge rather than a struggle. You will get through the hard times, and you will succeed at your intended goal. If you don't believe in your capabilities then no one else will either.

Lastly, since for some reason this post turned into a pep talk (what the hell man?) never ever break a promise you make to yourself. I've had so many people break their word to me, like family members, and it hurts. A lot. So don't do this to yourself. You have 100% control over what you do, so keep these promises! I plan on keeping this promise, and my studio is gonna be so rad!!

Alright, pep talk over! Here's a video to lighten the mood (the copyright is weird so I can't find the embedding code):

Taylor Swift's Shake It Off to a 1989 Sportaerobic competition! 

http://www.today.com/popculture/taylor-swift-tune-shake-it-syncs-1989-aerobic-video-1D80274245

 Enjoy your weekend!

xoHM

Maybe I should take makeup picks AFTER I do my hair...

Story 23 // Born An Adult

I was never great at being a kid.

Maybe it was my only child upbringing, or the fact that I never had any cousins. I was constantly around adults at family gatherings, so talking about the latest Hey Arnold! episode would never work. I had to refine my tastes, soak up some culture. I strived to be as poised as ever to show my maturity. I may not have had any wrinkles yet, but I made sure to scrunch my face up every night to speed up the process.

When I was very young I went to private school. They loved my grown up attitude, and nurtured it. I felt like I had finally found my grove by 2nd grade, when I purchased my first adult book bag for class with my birthday money. It was a high point that I will always cherish.

By 4th grade, my parents divorced, and forced me to switch to public school. It was a terrible transition, well, along with the divorce obviously. Public school was not regarded highly in my group of adult stuffed animals that I met with each week to discuss foreign policy, among other relevant worldly topics. So imagine my embarrassment breaking the news to them. Yes, I did cry afterwards.

I still wanted to wear office clothes to class, carry a brief case instead of a backpack, and walk around in business heels, like I had done everyday in private school. This, to my dismay, was not accepted at public school. All my classmates thought that was weird. After all, I was still in Jr. High. But that didn't mean I should be forced to wear surf brand t-shirts with weird logos on them or worse, SKORTS! Ugh...

So I played the part. I dressed down, threw on some jean capris instead of a pencil skirt. I wore those jelly bracelets that were all the rage in the late 90s. It pained me to hide my true identity, but thats what you have to do to fit in, right? That's what every person wants, to be accepted some how.

I got through middle school hiding my adult tendencies. I only read non-fiction novels at night, never carrying them around in my book bag. I watched 60 minutes secretly from the hallway to our living room. I never talked about how much I envied Lesly Stahl's amazing journalism either. I was living a secret life, and I was okay with that, until it all got to a breaking point.

When I turned 18 I decided, enough was enough, I can't live like this anymore! I had to live my secret life in the open. It needed fresh air, deprived for so long in the dark. Locked away for my eyes only. But not anymore. At 18, I was legally recognized as an adult. It was the happiest moment of my life! I registered to vote that same day, crossing my fingers I would get jury duty. I got as many collared shirts and slacks as my part time income allowed. It was so nice to be accepted as the adult I had always been, my true self.

Now, whenever I hear a friend mention how much they wish they could go back to childhood, to those innocent days of playing with toys and stomping in muddy puddles, I cringe. Those days never belonged to me, my soul belongs in this stage in my life. I love doing taxes, paying for insurance, and furthering my career with night school. If this doesn't make sense to you, it's because you were a kid once. You embraced that experience. But if you can relate to me, even just a little bit, you were born to be an adult. Welcome to the best time of your life.




*While this is a fictional story, some elements are true to my life. I really do love Lesly Stahl, she's way rad. Also, this story has a subliminal analogy, did you pick up on it? 

Freelance Wrap-Up for October Using Little Miss Sunshine Gifs!

So, October, you were a crazy roller coaster of a month. But I still loved you!

Let's just jump right in cannonball style:

I got some really cool freelancing jobs, some tough ones too, and in the end I learned a crap ton along the way. I thought I would cover some whirlwind highlights using the best movie gifs ever: Little Miss Sunshine*

So as you know, I sent out about 50 resumes and was kinda nervous about getting any responses. That's a lot of emails! I checked my gmail a bazillion times a day. 

And you know what? I got some pretty cool responses actually. Cool clients, down to earth peeps, and all around fun work. Well, most of it. Some wasn't so easy (foreshadowing!).

I was doing my thing, getting busy, and then my schedule blew up. 

Literally, I had moved away from normal Hannah to crazy writing Hannah who wrote a bunch of articles a day while trying to work full time and hang out with my hubs and cat too. 

Isn't this shot cool? Sorry, can't stop won't stop film analysis.

So I lost a bit of control over my weekly schedule. I was missing my gym routines to try to play catchup, 

I was missing sleep, and I wasn't making a whole lotta cash. Granted, it was more income than I thought I could pull in from side work, but the amount of hours spent doing it wasn't paying out, literally. I felt like I had sold out a bit and spread myself too thin.

After a few re-edits later, I decided to do something about it. I was gonna get off the crazy train, and hop onto the slower, but still goal chasing bus. (Whoa analogy!)

And I feel fine with my decision, really. After all, I put myself out there, took on a lot of work, which was rewarding and nerve-wracking, but I still made it through. Fist pumps all around! 

This was me a few months ago. So afraid to break outta my shell and try freelancing!

I gave all these jobs a "yes" answer, and found that all but one didn't work for me. That ain't bad! 

So I'm still looking for some side work to add to my routine, but not anything major. I want to keep my schedule free from too many deadlines. 

I've picked up two regular clients, and one part time client. And all of them are so freaking nice! Seriously lucked out! 

I'll keep you updated on how November goes, but right now I'm gonna grab me a holiday drink at S-bucks bc yay for red cup drinks! (It's in the 80s around here tho, so I'll be drinking peppermint mochas in a tank top. Come on scarf weather!). 

xoHM

*LMS is my all time favorite movie because after seeing it, I decided to change my major to film. Like same day, I walked straight from the theatre to the administration building and switched it. I was in my second (of five) years at college, and I had already changed my major 5 times. Yeah, I was kinda indecisive ha! But I stuck with this one, all thanks to you, Little Miss Sunshine!!

The Not-So-Scary Alternative of The Conjuring

So I told my BFF that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL PLOT SUMMARY, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.


Let's get started!

Here's The Conjuring (2013)

First off, on a scale of 1 to The Exorcist, it's right up there with Mama. Heebie Jeebie level: strong 7. I could sleep afterwards, but I definitely had a hard time in the morning since it was still dark in my house. My cat scared the shit outta me too in the shower when she decided to run through the curtain.

FAST FACTS

Director: James Wan

Writers: Chad Hayes, Carey Hayes, others

MPAA: R

My rating: R is pretty accurate. There is some gore, but it's not overly done. The scares are genuine for the most part, even though they are predictable. It's like you know it's coming but it's still scary. Also, the dead witch is pretty scary in a good way, like you don't think about how fake her makeup looks. 

Genre: Horror

Budget vs Gross: $20,000,000 (estimated) // $137,387,272 (USA) (25 October 2013)

Opening Weekend:

$41,855,326 (USA) (19 July 2013)


Studio:  New Line Cinema, The Safran Company, Evergreen Media Group (more listed, just top 3)

Slugline: I can't find one :/, but here's mine:

Don't Move Into Haunted Houses (bc duh)

Okay, let's get this party started!

The movie starts off with two nurses talking about this possessed doll, Annabelle (which is the sequel to The Conjuring, conveniently). Basically, they tell this terminally sick girl to possess the doll when she dies. Then the nurses totally forget they told this girl to do that, and when the doll starts turning "alive", they freak out (re: not smart nurses).

They also forget to pay the electric bill.

So they get home one night and notice Annabelle chillin in the hallway with a note:

Is that note shaped like Montana a lil bit or is it just me??

And they find out that she colored all over her walls with red crayon and wrote "miss me" on the ceiling too (really rubbin it in, aren't ya Annabelle?). This is why it's important to teach your kids not to draw on walls!

The nurses are all like WTF did you do, now we'll never get our rent deposit back! And they promptly give her a time out in the dumpster outside.

Later that night a loud banging is coming from the front door, so stupid nurse #1 decides she has to open it. First of all, NEVER OPEN A DOOR WHEN IT'S BEING BANGED ON.

#truth

She opens it anyway, and finds a note in red crayon that says "miss me". She's like how the FUCK did this get here?! Earth to idiot nurses: Annabelle left it.

No this note definitely looks more like Montana.

Then another loud banging sesh starts up, this time it's from inside the house. So stupid nurse #2 opens that door and finds, obviously, the very ugly Annabelle doll chillin.

So damn ugly

Conclusions thus far:
1. Annabelle hates timeouts
2. These nurses are really really really stupid
3. The girl's spirit is super pissed that she's stuck in such an ugly doll for all eternity (I can't blame her, I would be too).

The opening credits start and we see a family drive up towards an old house in the middle of the woods.

I mean, besides that noose it's a really nice looking house. Could use a fresh coat of paint though. 

Everyone piles out of the car and race to their rooms, but their dog Sadie refuses to come inside (because the dog happens to be the smartest family member).

Dog: "You guys, this place is crazy haunted, fak going inside."

So the dad's all like, screw you, and leaves her outside.

The family is made up of 5 girls, and you can tell the mom (Carolyn) hates her life:

This place is crazy rural, I miss my book club.

So all the basic stuff happens, like doors slamming, weird bruises, and most of the kids seeing demon witches or whatever. You know, the usual signs that a house is haunted. 

Jump to: the Warrens, aka a weird couple that chases ghosts and debunks stuff or whatever. 

#paranormalpowercouple 

They give lectures about paranormal activity, and Carolyn attends one and promptly chases the Warrens down in the parking lot afterwards to try to get them to help her with her haunted house. 

Pointing makes people with fake professions look more important.

Please help me get a tan, please.

So the Warrens are like fak yeah we loooooove ghosts, we'll follow you to your creepy house out in the middle of nowheresville! 

The Warrens get there, and they tour the house. As expected Lady Warren sees dead people a la 6th Sense.

And then she goes outside for air or something, and realizes that her outfit looks terrible. 

Lady Warren: Why did I pick this ugly ass outfit?! Damn you ruffles!

Mr. Warren: What, I like the ruffles, kind of.

LW: You do? Well, at lease I look better than that dead beezy's pedicure. 

There is a secret basement found by the five girls horsin' around one night, knocking shit over (kids are terrible). So they use matches to look into it. Obviously it's haunted, and probs shouldn't be explored. But you know, plot and such. 

Use a flashlight, come on! She's getting a round of applause BTDubs by ghost hands, which is really thoughtful. 

And they all have a brainstorming sesh about what to do. Very curious why no on suggests just moving out!! (They might of mentioned this, but I got bored and fast forwarded through this pow-wow). 

Yeah, LW, your ruffles look terrible. Did you get dressed in the dark or something?

So they put all these bells on door knobs to see if any ghosts (or cats) play with them. And they put cameras all around to take pictures when shit goes down. 

Mr. Warren: "Interview with ghosts while wearing ugly argyle sweaters, take one". 

Again, super predictable scary movie stuff. So they are all like, yup, it's a haunted house alright! And decide to do an exorcism on the house itself (???WTF does that mean?!). 

They move into the house with their lame Teacher's Aide and a skeptic cop, because I think authorities could arrest ghosts in the 70s. Otherwise there is absolutely no reason to have a cop there...

He makes zero impact on the film, unless having killer sideburns is required in exorcisms.

Lady Warren decided to do her laundry while staying at the Haunted Mansion. 

It's the mailman, he's trying to give her that annoying Costco coupon mailer that no one uses ever. 

Back inside, the youngest of the daughters has this toy she's playing with, and of course a ghost friend gave it to her.

She's weird, just get rid of her. You have 4 other girls, that's way too many weddings to fund. 

Lady Warren checks out the toy, and she's all like wtf?...Where did you get this?!

Shit I have really bad crow's feet.

Then she's all like is there something behind me?

Yes, better actors. 

So she finds this hidden place where this and other toys are, and falls all the way to the basement. In real life, this would most likly break someone's legs. But for plot's sake, she's perfectly fine. She sees the dead witch again, and decides to book it outta there. 

Then, we all start to realize that Carolyn is suicidal because of all the bruises and shit. The whole family decides to stay in a hotel (finally), but Carolyn decided to drive back to the house and kill herself along with some of the whinier kids. JK she's possessed! 

I'm not even pushing the gas that's how possessed I am.

The demon in her brain is all like fuck you for leaving!!! And hauls her ass back down to the basement. I think they need to work out a better way to get her down the stairs (Carolyn just tumbles, yet miraculously breaks nothing--are these actors made of steel?!)

I just had my nails done you bitch!

So the rest of the gang figure out Carolyn's plot and try to save her by dressing her up like a giant tampon.

LW: Are we going for Tampax Pearl or Kotex people?! Someone pay attention!

If the tampon reference isn't obvious enough, see below: 

Very realistic actually. My periods also release demons every month.

Then she starts to levitate like a BOSS:

#fuckgravity

Eventually they corral Carolyn and convince the witch that's possessing her to stop doing that. 

Mombo-jumbo, blah blah blah, amen

Apparently all it took was the gentle touch of Lady Warren's hand on her demon face .

Can't stop won't stop singing at the top of my lungs!!

Everyone celebrates! 

Well, without guns

The end!