The Not-So-Scary Alternative of The Conjuring

So I told my BFF that I wanted to watch more scary movies, to get pumped up for Halloween of course, and that I would describe them to her in a non-scary way.

**THIS IS IN NO WAY A PROFESSIONAL PLOT SUMMARY, ALL THOUGHTS ARE MINE, AND MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T TAKE IT AS HUMOROUS. Please don't be that person that says "stop cursing so much" or "using 'dumb bitch' is offensive" because its SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND IN NO WAY TAKEN SERIOUSLY. So if you can't handle that kind of humor then don't read this post. If you still leave a negative comment after all this, well then you are literally a dumb bitch and should probably learn how to read better.


Let's get started!

Here's The Conjuring (2013)

First off, on a scale of 1 to The Exorcist, it's right up there with Mama. Heebie Jeebie level: strong 7. I could sleep afterwards, but I definitely had a hard time in the morning since it was still dark in my house. My cat scared the shit outta me too in the shower when she decided to run through the curtain.

FAST FACTS

Director: James Wan

Writers: Chad Hayes, Carey Hayes, others

MPAA: R

My rating: R is pretty accurate. There is some gore, but it's not overly done. The scares are genuine for the most part, even though they are predictable. It's like you know it's coming but it's still scary. Also, the dead witch is pretty scary in a good way, like you don't think about how fake her makeup looks. 

Genre: Horror

Budget vs Gross: $20,000,000 (estimated) // $137,387,272 (USA) (25 October 2013)

Opening Weekend:

$41,855,326 (USA) (19 July 2013)


Studio:  New Line Cinema, The Safran Company, Evergreen Media Group (more listed, just top 3)

Slugline: I can't find one :/, but here's mine:

Don't Move Into Haunted Houses (bc duh)

Okay, let's get this party started!

The movie starts off with two nurses talking about this possessed doll, Annabelle (which is the sequel to The Conjuring, conveniently). Basically, they tell this terminally sick girl to possess the doll when she dies. Then the nurses totally forget they told this girl to do that, and when the doll starts turning "alive", they freak out (re: not smart nurses).

They also forget to pay the electric bill.

So they get home one night and notice Annabelle chillin in the hallway with a note:

Is that note shaped like Montana a lil bit or is it just me??

And they find out that she colored all over her walls with red crayon and wrote "miss me" on the ceiling too (really rubbin it in, aren't ya Annabelle?). This is why it's important to teach your kids not to draw on walls!

The nurses are all like WTF did you do, now we'll never get our rent deposit back! And they promptly give her a time out in the dumpster outside.

Later that night a loud banging is coming from the front door, so stupid nurse #1 decides she has to open it. First of all, NEVER OPEN A DOOR WHEN IT'S BEING BANGED ON.

#truth

She opens it anyway, and finds a note in red crayon that says "miss me". She's like how the FUCK did this get here?! Earth to idiot nurses: Annabelle left it.

No this note definitely looks more like Montana.

Then another loud banging sesh starts up, this time it's from inside the house. So stupid nurse #2 opens that door and finds, obviously, the very ugly Annabelle doll chillin.

So damn ugly

Conclusions thus far:
1. Annabelle hates timeouts
2. These nurses are really really really stupid
3. The girl's spirit is super pissed that she's stuck in such an ugly doll for all eternity (I can't blame her, I would be too).

The opening credits start and we see a family drive up towards an old house in the middle of the woods.

I mean, besides that noose it's a really nice looking house. Could use a fresh coat of paint though. 

Everyone piles out of the car and race to their rooms, but their dog Sadie refuses to come inside (because the dog happens to be the smartest family member).

Dog: "You guys, this place is crazy haunted, fak going inside."

So the dad's all like, screw you, and leaves her outside.

The family is made up of 5 girls, and you can tell the mom (Carolyn) hates her life:

This place is crazy rural, I miss my book club.

So all the basic stuff happens, like doors slamming, weird bruises, and most of the kids seeing demon witches or whatever. You know, the usual signs that a house is haunted. 

Jump to: the Warrens, aka a weird couple that chases ghosts and debunks stuff or whatever. 

#paranormalpowercouple 

They give lectures about paranormal activity, and Carolyn attends one and promptly chases the Warrens down in the parking lot afterwards to try to get them to help her with her haunted house. 

Pointing makes people with fake professions look more important.

Please help me get a tan, please.

So the Warrens are like fak yeah we loooooove ghosts, we'll follow you to your creepy house out in the middle of nowheresville! 

The Warrens get there, and they tour the house. As expected Lady Warren sees dead people a la 6th Sense.

And then she goes outside for air or something, and realizes that her outfit looks terrible. 

Lady Warren: Why did I pick this ugly ass outfit?! Damn you ruffles!

Mr. Warren: What, I like the ruffles, kind of.

LW: You do? Well, at lease I look better than that dead beezy's pedicure. 

There is a secret basement found by the five girls horsin' around one night, knocking shit over (kids are terrible). So they use matches to look into it. Obviously it's haunted, and probs shouldn't be explored. But you know, plot and such. 

Use a flashlight, come on! She's getting a round of applause BTDubs by ghost hands, which is really thoughtful. 

And they all have a brainstorming sesh about what to do. Very curious why no on suggests just moving out!! (They might of mentioned this, but I got bored and fast forwarded through this pow-wow). 

Yeah, LW, your ruffles look terrible. Did you get dressed in the dark or something?

So they put all these bells on door knobs to see if any ghosts (or cats) play with them. And they put cameras all around to take pictures when shit goes down. 

Mr. Warren: "Interview with ghosts while wearing ugly argyle sweaters, take one". 

Again, super predictable scary movie stuff. So they are all like, yup, it's a haunted house alright! And decide to do an exorcism on the house itself (???WTF does that mean?!). 

They move into the house with their lame Teacher's Aide and a skeptic cop, because I think authorities could arrest ghosts in the 70s. Otherwise there is absolutely no reason to have a cop there...

He makes zero impact on the film, unless having killer sideburns is required in exorcisms.

Lady Warren decided to do her laundry while staying at the Haunted Mansion. 

It's the mailman, he's trying to give her that annoying Costco coupon mailer that no one uses ever. 

Back inside, the youngest of the daughters has this toy she's playing with, and of course a ghost friend gave it to her.

She's weird, just get rid of her. You have 4 other girls, that's way too many weddings to fund. 

Lady Warren checks out the toy, and she's all like wtf?...Where did you get this?!

Shit I have really bad crow's feet.

Then she's all like is there something behind me?

Yes, better actors. 

So she finds this hidden place where this and other toys are, and falls all the way to the basement. In real life, this would most likly break someone's legs. But for plot's sake, she's perfectly fine. She sees the dead witch again, and decides to book it outta there. 

Then, we all start to realize that Carolyn is suicidal because of all the bruises and shit. The whole family decides to stay in a hotel (finally), but Carolyn decided to drive back to the house and kill herself along with some of the whinier kids. JK she's possessed! 

I'm not even pushing the gas that's how possessed I am.

The demon in her brain is all like fuck you for leaving!!! And hauls her ass back down to the basement. I think they need to work out a better way to get her down the stairs (Carolyn just tumbles, yet miraculously breaks nothing--are these actors made of steel?!)

I just had my nails done you bitch!

So the rest of the gang figure out Carolyn's plot and try to save her by dressing her up like a giant tampon.

LW: Are we going for Tampax Pearl or Kotex people?! Someone pay attention!

If the tampon reference isn't obvious enough, see below: 

Very realistic actually. My periods also release demons every month.

Then she starts to levitate like a BOSS:

#fuckgravity

Eventually they corral Carolyn and convince the witch that's possessing her to stop doing that. 

Mombo-jumbo, blah blah blah, amen

Apparently all it took was the gentle touch of Lady Warren's hand on her demon face .

Can't stop won't stop singing at the top of my lungs!!

Everyone celebrates! 

Well, without guns

The end!

Oh Hey There

Soooo, first of all, I'm sorry I've been gone. I've been trying to balance out some freelancing gigs with my regular day job, and then it all got a lil bit cray. Here's the breakdown:

-Everything in my apartment decided to break all at once. Plus our handyman cancelled on me twice, so fingers crossed our appointment today works out. (Don't hold your breath though). I've come to loath, yes loath, living in a rental. I want a house so damn bad I already put it on my 2015 resolutions list (because I still make those #nerd). It needs to happen, and it's going to happen. I rarely back down from a challenge even if it almost kills me!

And when I lose it, it's not pretty.

-My skin decided to crap out on me. It's gotta be the fall weather/summer heat mix we've been having, plus the Santa Ana winds are adding another layer of terrible. My face flakes off all day long, like a snake shedding. Okay that's a little bit of an exaggeration, I just look like I need to exfoliate. But here's the catch: I'm already exfoliating on the daily!! So, my coverup falls off and I'm left with a bare freckled face like I'm twelve again. It makes meeting with clients miserable. But! I have found some teeny tiny relief, with Skin&Co Roma products. I get my body lotion from them and they sent me a sample pack (God I love samples sooo muchhh!) of some face serums. And slowly, things seem to be getting better. I just need to figure out which serum is lifting the most weights and marry him (re: buy that product full size). So if you're wondering why the hell I've stopped doing makeup capsule posts, it's due to my parsel-tongue-skin.

At least I don't have a Dark Lord attached to my face #brighterside

-Quality time with my boo. Halloween happens to be one of our fave holidays, so the hubs and I have been carving pumpkins, making seeds, baking, and decorating like crazy together. We also have been watching all the classics, like Simpson's Halloween specials, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's cheesy as hell be we love it all. And scented candles are in every room, it's amazing. So that means more offline fun, and quite frankly I don't feel guilty at all about it (although I have missed a few hangout opportunities with friends by not being by my phone, bummed about that). Also the hubs has been writing me love notes every Sunday morning and its getting straight up Notebook in this house. Pretty rad that he's still down with my craziness after seven years. And I've been sewing him some dope Ninja Turtle PJ's. I forgot how much I love to sew, so I put in about 7 hours this weekend to make up for it.

Ugh I know way cheesy.

Thanks for listening to me vent!

The good news is that I've started my horror movie-a-thon as per usual, and I'll be breaking down some scary ones here on le blog for ya. I started doing this for my BFF Chloe and I thought I'd make it a tradition (see some good ones from later year HERE and HERE).

Why do I love scary movies so much? First of all, I used to be like most other people and couldn't watch a horror flick without peeing my pants out of fear (thats totally normal, right?...). Then, in the midst of getting my Film Studies degree, I realized I had to take a symposium class (i.e. a class in a movie theatre where we watch films and talk to the directors afterwards). It's way rad, but the downside? The teacher screens only horror movies. Um yeah no thanks. I waited until my very last semester to take it because duh.

I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous for those first few classes. I was prepared to hate horror movies and have to sleep with the lights on for the rest of my life. But you know what? After a few screenings, I got over my fear and really got into the films. I started enjoying the adrenaline rush that comes with a good quality scare, and appreciating the techniques that go into making a movie truly scary. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of terribly made horror movies out there that won't even scare the jumpiest of people.

After I was done with that class (and after I got over Paranormal Activity, that one got me good), I realized I needed to watch horror films on the regular. So, now I pepper in a few throughout the year via Netflix, and bing watch them during the fall. It's just me, the hubs stays well away during these viewings. He insists I pause them whenever he walks into the room too. He's a lil scary cat still, but I'll break him soon enough! Just kidding, it's cute.

So this weekend I watched The Conjuring, and it's a good one. Like you will be a little jumpy afterwards, but should sleep okay sans lights. (Side note: I had to sleep with my lights on for two months after writing a paper on Paranormal Activity. That's the only movie that's given me residual heeby geebies). I'll have The Conjuring breakdown for ya soon! Get ready for a non-scary version of this film!

Spoiler alert: it's just the new mailman trying out Halloween costume ideas (can't go wrong with the classic ghost option). 

Have a great Monday! 

xoHM

Ramblings

I'm so glad this week is over. I'm burned out from work. Don't get me wrong, picking up extra side work is worth it, and I'm going to be just fine (my mantra for when I get tired). But I think it's important to acknowledge when you have reached the end of your rope, so to speak. It helps you shut down for a while, take a breather, to recharge. I so need to recharge. Balancing a full time job and freelance writing a dozen articles per week gets to be tiring on my eyeballs and brain. I know it's going to get better though, with some eventual balancing of my schedule.

So, I've been listening to this on repeat:



I know it's sad as hell, but this is the kind of music that I live for (re: Ray Lamontagne all day every day).

And I just recently downloaded this book I mentioned before (so far it's AMAZING):

And I'll be drinking a ton of tea, cider, and coffee while hanging out at my house. For once I want nothing on the agenda. I'll probably have to write a few articles though, but that can wait at least until Sunday. Also, I want to carve some pumpkins and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas!! Alright, enough boring weekend plans.

I hope you take some time to unplug too, if you need it. Breaks are crucial to maintaining a balance of sanity, in my opinion. 

xoHM

Most Marketable Skill For Today's Grads

*I was approached by Webucator (link to their site HERE) to write a post about what I think is the most marketable skill to have for the job market. All opinions are my own, I wasn't compensated for this article, and if you have questions, please feel free to comment or email them to me. Always glad to help!


I've competed in dance company competitions that have lasted days, musical competitions for first chair status, and varsity captain cheerleading tryouts to attain the coveted top spot, but nothing has been as tough for me as the job market. Standing out in a sea of job applications is hard, especially for a beginning content writer like me. There are companies that outsource these writing jobs overseas for pennies! How can I compete with that?!

By using some key interpersonal skills.

You are probably thinking, great, that's vague as hell. Well, let me break it down for you:

Top 3 Interpersonal Skills For Job Interviews

1. Maintain eye contact. Sure, this sounds easy enough, but trust me, it's much harder to do in person. Push through, keep your eyes on the interviewer while they are talking. Obviously, don't creepily stare during the whole interview. While you talk, your eyes might wander, and that's okay. But for the most part, make eye contact to show just how interested and attentive you are. This is the best non-verbal cue of "I want this job bad" that you can give, without saying anything.

2. Ask about their day. It might seem weird, but this is often overlooked by nervous interviewees. Break the tension with a few "how is your day going", "any fun weekend plans", etc questions. Don't get too personal, and pay attention to their answer. Then, when the interview is over, follow up with a statement such as: "Have fun wine tasting this weekend" or "Hope you have a better week". Why is this important? Because it shows you listen and pay attention to detail. How many of you have those skills on your resume right now? Exactly, show them off.

3. When you get nervous, smile. Smiling is contagious, and making your interviewer crack one will help your anxiety levels. This also makes you seem friendly and approachable, and everyone wants coworkers like that. Plus, if you need a second to think of an answer to a question, smiling gives you a little bit more pause time. I know this sounds weird but it really does work. 

You know you are already qualified for the job you're interviewing for, but convincing the interviewer of this is a whole job in itself. Use your interpersonal skills to your advantage and you will rise to the top of the job market pool in no time.

Please feel free to ask me anything regarding this topic (after all, I have a degree in it!)

xoHM

Story 22 // A Letter Too Late

She pulled out the letter from under her pillow. Finally, mail! She had been saving it for a while now, but couldn't wait any longer. Slowly, she opened the envelope and unfolded the note. The font was thick and bold, each word in all caps. It was written small, but that's how he always wrote. She tilted the page towards the hallway light, and started reading.

My Dearest Claire,

By now you know the ugly truth. I've been a fool to think I could keep it buried away from you. But I hope you know I was wrong in hiding it. I hope you can forgive me, even though I know you still have questions. I don't think I could of every answered your questions completely though. I don't know why I did it. I was driving to it as if possessed. But the reason doesn't matter now. Soon I will be whisked away from this place forever, but I will be connected to your soul. Do you feel the autumn wind on your face at sunset? That is me, gently kissing your checks as they turn rosy in the golden hues of the hour. Know that I have always loved you, and will forever follow you into eternity. 

All of my love, 

-Frederic

P.S. Please live your life and move on my sweet Claire. You have so much time in front of you, do not obsess over these recent events. Revenge will only bring you more pain. 

She put down the letter, tears in her eyes. She cried silently so as not to wake her cell mate. The sleeve of her prison shirt was coarse along her cheeks, as she wiped fat tears pouring out of her sea-glass green eyes.

Yes, she thought bitterly, revenge will bring on more pain.

Oh Hey There

Man, has this week been unusually busy, to say the least. Here's a recap of all the shenanigans I've been up to:


-Washed all my whites with a red shirt, so now I have a whole lot of pink tops. Awesome (NOT REALLY).

-Found my favorite of all time board game online, Barbie Queen of the Prom Game 1990s Edition!! It's ridiculous, and I have no idea why I was so obsessed with it. This board game was played probably every waking chance I got when I was a kid. Anyway, you can buy it here if you are super into it as well (then call me so we can play it together). (Dibs on the hot metallic pink car!!! Ooooo sorry not sorry!)

-Got a few more freelancing jobs! EEE!! So pumped! But also, now my schedule is much more crowded, but I'm not complaining. Just currently trying to find a rhythm that works best for me. So that's why it's been a little all quiet on the blogging front for me. But I have a story this week, and I've got some celebrity makeup looks I want to try as well. So, thank you for sticking around, and I'll be back very soon with some cool stuff. In the mean time, I'm going write my face off and take mini breaks to read this amazing blog I stumbled upon: Garance Dore (you will love it too I promise!).


Talk soon!
xoHM

End O' September and Beginning of October // Random Stuff 001

Well, well, well, end of September. You're looking to be a last minute kinda month, but that's okay with me. I got a bunch of emails for freelancing literally minutes before October 1st, so that was cool and slightly overwhelming. So far these past two days of October have been off to a great start. I have some career updates for ya, plus some various links around the web, and a makeup capsule update.

Also, sorry for the absence this week. I've been super busy with work, freelancing, and some personal shenanigans as well. But I'm back and ready to get this party started!

Career updates:
Landed a solid job mid-month, and these last two days of September have offered up three more pretty solid job opportunities (out of some not so solid ones). I hope they all work out, but I'm counting on at least one to hire me. It's such a numbers game that I don't want to rely on the fact that every company who replies back to me will like my work after a test article. So I'm keeping my hopes kinda low before I get the green light. Might sound pessimistic, but I'm a realist to the core, so don't take this as a negative attitude. Also, I've gotten a couple more emails into October about jobs, but I haven't had time to check them out yet. Fingers crossed these jobs keep rollin' in!

Great read:
This infographic (see below, source HERE) is depressing, but it reminds me of Dorothy Arzner, aka the most successful female director in US film history. She directed 24 films during the golden era of cinema, uncredited for three of those, and had talents in editing, screenwriting, as well as many other film positions. You don't really hear about her in film, which is quite a shame. She invented the first boom microphone (HERE), for crying out loud! Why is this hidden knowledge?!

As the saying goes, a rising tide lifts all boats...remember this ladies. Don't be in competition with one another, rather encourage us all to lift up and rise to the occasion. Even one successful person will launch us all up. We need to remember and follow amazing women so we can all one day be successful too. And so ends my empowering women speak, ha! I could talk about this topic all day every day.

Currently in the news:

This article about a new CA law dealing with sexual assault that just got passed HERE. VERY proud of our governor Jerry Brown as well as our state senator who wrote this new law, Kevin de Leon. I'm hoping that college campuses will take this new law and enforce it to it's fullest, seeing as it's about damn time this law was created. I could talk about this subject forever too, but that's for another day/another post. 

Makeup Capsule weekly wrap-up:

I realized that taking a daily selfie all week long and posting them for you might get kinda boring. So, instead, I'm going to post about one look I try every week, like the Leslie Knope power gaze HERE, using only what I have in my capsule. Sound good? Awesome!

This week's look is a post gym look. I didn't touch anything up, this was taken after a pretty intense workout. I put my makeup on at around 7:30am, and this was taken at about 10pm. The trick to keeping all your makeup (mostly) in place is due to two things:

1. Get quality, long wear makeup. It really does last all day!

2. Don't put on very much. Basically, if you know you have a long day ahead and don't have any time to do a touch up, choose a simple look that doesn't require any babysitting. 

Here's what I'm looking like after my full day:

And my glasses! Ugh, so thick, haha. I very rarely wear these bad boys out in public. But if you wear glasses too, Costco usually has some great deals on frames. (Just don't ask the sales peeps if you look good in your frames, one of them told me they looked terrible on my face. Rude!)

I hope you have a great Thursday, and I'll have a story up here as soon as I get caught up with work!

xoHM